I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
