im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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