when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
