I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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