happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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