Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
