I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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