I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
