You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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