He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
