is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
