6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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