she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
