I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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