I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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