I wanna passion pit in your ass
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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