1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
