3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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