community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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