now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wish you could order shots online.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
