I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
