I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
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We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going