I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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