I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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