got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
