Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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