I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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