I'm jealous of your bromance
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
