i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
