I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize