my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
