college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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