fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
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we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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