you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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