Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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