Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
