I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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