do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
