You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
