no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
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I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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