...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
