I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you had me at cake vodka
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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