I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME