some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.