Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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