Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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