I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
