my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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