dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
