Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you inspire me to be a worse person
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
