Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
