Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is Oprah even human
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
