Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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