someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm just crazy horny about you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
