I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
