she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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