On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
